You hire a contractor to fix your roof. They arrive, and not only are the boards rotten, but there is a tornado a few minutes away. You turn to the contractor and say “We really need a new roof by Monday!”.
I often use this metaphor for relationships when couples ask me about the right timing for couples therapy. It isn’t a judgement, couples therapy is expensive and a significant time commitment, and those things to come by when we are raising families, building our careers, etc. At the same time, unfortunately, when couples come in a state of fatigue and despair, it is harder; the urgency does not make the process easier or more fruitful, it can limit how much can be done.
One of the main factors, to try to tease out a tangible element, has to do with trust. Trust is akin to the strength of a bridge, and the more trust is in tact, the more weight you can put on the bridge and successfully get it across. These are the important communications that take place between two people. It does not matter how loud or urgent your message is, if the person on the other side of the bridge does not trust you, then things will collapse.
This is a major advantage for couples who come to couples therapy when trust has not eroded. It allows space to discuss important matters in an environment where we can really focus on what one is saying, and there is less work managing the distress it is causing. It is a bit like a schoolroom full of children, while learning might be difficult to begin with, it is made all the more difficult by the teacher needing to focus on one or two children who need constant attention. Rather than being able to teach, the educator is busy trying to regulate the emotions of a couple of individuals, it can be draining and of course the rest of the children suffer. Again, to be clear, this is not a comment on whether these children or the couple in distress deserve more attention and compassion, it is simply a way of discussing and articulating why waiting to come for couples therapy until things are really bad can be a problem.
As a final comment, I have experienced many times couples who also emerge from difficult periods and then decide to engage in couples therapy. Their comment to me is often “We don’t know if we could have done this a couple of years ago, we are in a much better place now to talk”. So don’t despair if you are having trouble bringing your partner to couples therapy or you don’t see the light, many couples have discussed significant changes in their partner’s attitude or the temperature of the relationship and those are great times to find a good therapist to work with.
